What (sometimes) keeps me up at night

Lately, I’ve been preoccupied with the finitude of life. It’s the one constant of life, the fact that one day we’re going to die. I don’t fear death per se, it’s as meaningless as all the time that passed before I even came into being. #thread

And yet, it’s been top of mind for quite a while now. The thought that keeps me awake at night (sometimes) is: given that I know my life will one day end, is what I’m doing now the right thing?

Do I stay working in an occupation that pays well, but doesn’t give me a lot of satisfaction? Do I dare to let that go and take a gamble, do what I believe *will* give me that satisfaction, at the risk of potentially not being able to make ends meet? How much risk can I tolerate?

Does it bother me that I don’t have children? I don’t think it’s ever bothered me (a lot), but I’m questioning this now. Then again, would it “complete me” if I did have children? Or would I just pass on the burden of finding meaning to someone else (who didn’t ask for it)?

Do I get what I want out of my relationship(s)? My happiest time(s) were when I was actually “out there”, meeting other people and building new relationships. What’s holding me back right now to keep doing that? What about that “special” relationship? How does that influence me?

Am I where I want to be? I’m pretty sure I am, and yet I’m compromising by going back to the mother country for an extended period of time to fulfill familial and spousal “duties”. It feels I’m in limbo, stuck between two worlds, never settled in as I would like to.

Sure, we have options, real options, but at what cost? Living neither here nor there, always the prospect of “having” to go back. I should consider it a freedom and privilege that I’m able to go back regularly, so why does it feel inertial, like driving with the handbrake on?

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m having difficulty finding what gives me the most satisfaction when it comes to using my finite time wisely. Not in a YOLO kind of way, nor in the way of having to tick off items on a bucket list. I couldn’t care less.

But how do I give meaning to my life, so that I can look back at some point and do so without regrets (mostly)? I guess it goes to the core of who I am; is it too late to find out? I don’t think so. Maybe I’m just surprised I haven’t found out yet.

Wrapping up, this is the first time I’ve been able to put into words what’s kept me occupied the last few months. I’m doing quite alright, though, so in case you got worried reading this: my apologies, there’s really no need. 🙂

Originally posted on Twitter: https://twitter.com/ahuijsen/status/1131079248649703424

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